Break Up With Self Sabotage And Get Results!

This is a theme that often comes up in my “Break Up With Self Sabotage” workshop. So let’s explore what the comfort zone is and why we get stuck in it, and how that connects to our self-sabotaging behaviors, even when we are highly motivated to create a change in our lives.

What is the comfort zone and how does it cause me to self-sabotage?

This phrase ‘comfort zone’ was coined by one of the great management thinkers of our time, Judith Bardwick, in her 1991 work “Danger in the Comfort Zone: From Boardroom to Mailroom”. In her book she writes the following;

“The comfort zone is a behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk.”

So why is it so hard to change?

Simply because, when we are in our comfort zone there isn’t much incentive to reach for new heights of performance.

And so about 80% of the population live their entire lives in this space of comfort and security just going about their daily tasks, putting one foot in front of the other, and living in what I call “trance” or what others may call “auto-pilot” because it feels comfortable.

And this goes on and on until one of two things happens:

1. They reach a level of unbearable boredom, which was described by one of my clients as living in the movie “Groundhog Day”, and subsequently realize that they need to create some excitement because they have become so sick and tired of the same old same old.
2. Or, something happens that shakes them up or creates so much discomfort that they require a shift in their perception of how they view the world, and who they want to become moving forward, which most often means creating a change in, or rediscovering, our sense of purpose.

Thus the desire for either excitement or change, or both, motivates us to leave the familiar and begin to explore the unknown. And so now you may be wondering why, in spite of feeling this motivation is it so hard to leave the familiar and embrace the unknown.

Evidently, leaving our comfort zone can be a difficult task for many of us, in spite of our newly discovered motivation to do so. Whether it’s trying something new, taking a risk, or facing our fears, stepping out of our comfort zone can be a daunting experience, and this is what causes us to self-sabotage and give up on our goals.

The comfort zone is a behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk

Here are some of the reasons why we self sabotage, and return to our comfort zones:

1. One reason is that our brains are wired to seek out and maintain a sense of security and stability. When we’re in a familiar environment or situation, our brain releases chemicals such as dopamine that make us feel good.
   
   And this is why we often find ourselves gravitating towards the same activities, habits, people, and places – because they make us feel good. On the other hand, when we’re faced with something new and unfamiliar, our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol, which can make us feel anxious and uneasy.
   
   Subsequently, without strategies to overcome this “conditioning” we end up going back to our old ways of doing things.
2. Next up is the oldie and not so goodie; fear of failure. We may be afraid of making mistakes, especially if we are perfectionists, as well as worrying about looking foolish, or not measuring up to our own expectations or those of others. This fear can hold us back from trying new things and taking risks.
   
   Surprisingly, we may also have a fear of success, which can be just as limiting. We may be afraid of the responsibility and expectations that come with success, or we may be afraid of the changes that success may bring to our lives and so we sabotage ourselves to avoid this anticipated discomfort.
3. Correspondingly, all of these fears activate our “inner critic”, (that little voice in your head and yes you have one) that tells us we aren’t good enough or smart enough, or that we are “too this” or “not enough that” to ever succeed at the thing we have set out to do. This little voice is the manifestation of all of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world, and what is possible. When this “inner critic” is allowed to run wild, we feel disempowered which causes us to give up on our goals and return to the perceived safety of our old habits and behaviours.
4. In addition, we tend to overestimate the risks and underestimate the rewards of taking action. This is largely due to something human beings have been conditioned to since prehistoric times. This conditioning was once considered integral to our safety and survival as a species, but now is often the thing that prevents us from personal growth and discovery, and it is called the “negativity bias”.
   
   What this means is that we are more likely to lean on negative information than positive to inform our choices and actions. Which causes us to focus on all the things that could go wrong, instead of all the positive things that might come from taking a risk. Additionally we may also assume that change is harder and takes longer than it actually does. And this can make it difficult to take the first step towards making a change because what we focus on expands and takes our energy with it.
5. Especially important to note is that our comfort zone is often tied to our self-identity and self-esteem. Meaning that we may feel we are defined by the roles and activities we are familiar with, and so leaving our comfort zone may feel like we are abandoning a part of ourselves. Subsequently, this can make it even more difficult to let go of the familiar and embrace the unknown and makes us more likely to self sabotage our efforts to change.

In light of all of these reasons, it’s important to remember that leaving our comfort zone is not about being perfect or never experiencing failure or discomfort. Change is about learning, growing, and becoming the best version of ourselves. Additionally it’s about taking risks and facing our fears, rather than letting them hold us back.

So, how can I get outside of my comfort zone and break up with self sabotage so that I can achieve my goals?

Set Daily Intentions

It’s important to start small and gradually build up to bigger challenges. I show my coaching clients how to set daily intentions, which means placing their focus on what they really want, and prioritizing the steps they need to take to get there without distraction, procrastination, and rumination, which are all forms of self-sabotage. What this does is creates the conditions for small wins along the way which creates momentum and moves us in the direction of our desired result.

Harness The Power Of Your Imagination

Equally important is to visualize the potential rewards of taking action. Instead of using your powerful imagination to focus on the negative things that might happen, imagine all the positive things that could come from taking a risk.

When we use our imagination to create an inspired vision of the outcomes we desire, we experience empowering emotions connected to this outcome. And when we are able to harness that energy it propels us towards our desires and goals (and it’s way easier and more fun than gritting our teeth and toughing it out with willpower). Always remember that when we focus on problems our energy goes down and when we focus on possibilities our energy goes up!

Practice Self-Compassion

It’s also so vitally important to be patient with yourself and give yourself permission to make mistakes. Remember that failure is a natural part of the learning process, and that it’s not a reflection of your worth as a person. With that being said, Self-Compassion and forgiveness are super important on any transformational journey, so sprinkle that “stuff” on everything!

Surround Yourself With The Right People

And finally, build a support system around you of like minded people who are encouraging and will cheer you on. Sometimes this means having to be selective about who we share our inspired vision with and protecting it from those who make seek to undermine our success.

Sometimes when we embark on a change the people who are accustomed to seeing us in the context of the roles that we play may feel uncomfortable or even threatened by the changes they are seeing. Even well-meaning friends and family who believe they are protecting you from risk may inadvertently sabotage your progress and usher you back into your comfort zone. This is where coaching can be incredibly helpful in discovering new ways of navigating relationships, setting boundaries, offering new ways of looking at things, and in supporting you along the path to change.

For these reasons, I am excited to be building a private community of inspiring and heart centered women who are on a similar path of personal growth and seeking to elevate their lives. When we are in the company of other like-minded women, and feel cared for and supported, it empowers us all and creates massive momentum so that we all reach our goals faster and the changes are lasting. If you would like to join this FREE community email me at; hello@shelleyw.ca, and I will happily send you an invitation to join.

In conclusion, leaving our comfort zone can be a difficult task for many of us, but it’s also one of the most important things we can do for personal growth. By understanding why it’s hard to leave our comfort zone, we can start to work on ways to overcome those challenges and take action toward creating a more fulfilling life.