May 29, 2023

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Are you feeling stuck in a rut and overwhelmed by the expectations of the world around you?

Do you often feel like you’re not good enough or that you’re lacking in some way, not living up to your expectations let alone the expectations of others?

If this sounds familiar let me begin by saying, you are not alone.

Let me begin by sharing with you that I have spent the past 4 years researching, studying, implementing and most recently embodying many different self-love practices and one thing I have learned throughout my experiences is this…

We are all connected through the universal desire to love and be loved by ourselves and by others. Self-love – the ability to value and take care of ourselves – is the foundation of a happy and fulfilled life.

This is why in this blog post, we will explore how to start taking steps toward loving yourself and how to overcome the beliefs that are preventing you from becoming the best possible version of yourself.

Why is it so hard to love ourselves?

Loving and accepting ourselves can be a real struggle, and I know this from personal experience. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to change things about myself that I didn’t like, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized that true self-love and acceptance come from embracing all parts of ourselves, flaws and all. I share more about this in my previous Blog post called; ADHD And Burnout

Here are a few of the root causes that may be keeping you stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk and an inability to fully love and accept yourself;

You are a perfectionist

If you are constantly focusing on what’s missing instead of what’s present you will most certainly find yourself being overly critical of yourself (and others). One of the things that connect us all as human beings is that every single one of us here on planet earth makes mistakes!

Perfection is an unattainable goal. It is an illusion that we latch onto at an early age usually because we believe that to sustain our connection to the people we love the most (ie; caregivers) we must be perfect. This kind of belief may have been modeled for us or communicated in messages we received from caregivers, educators, and others.

Learning how to let go of these beliefs and re-wire our brains to focus on progress and excellence instead of perfection can bring us to a place of greater peace and calm within ourselves.

Focusing on what is present instead of what is missing by practicing gratitude is another powerful approach to overcoming perfectionism and appreciating ourselves and others.

You suffer from the “disease of please”

People-pleasing behaviors are automatic behaviors that you may be conditioned from early childhood experiences. Now being referred to as the 4th stress response aka; the Fawn Response research is showing that people-pleasing goes way beyond a desire to just “be nice”.

As a response to a stressor in the environment, typically a fear of loss of connection to your primary caregiver, you may have learned to cope by; taking care of their needs and suppressing your own, striving to make them happy, and believing you were to blame if they were not, suppressing any of the emotions you were experiencing that met with disapproval (ie; excitement, pleasure, anger, fear, frustration, and sadness), defusing conflict by appeasing those involved and attempting to fix or prevent problems that you perceived to be a threat to your safety and/or feelings of belonging.

If you came to believe, in early childhood, that your capacity to give and receive love was dependent upon being as pleasing and accommodating as possible then over time you would have drifted further and further away from your sense of self. What this means is that your identity, feelings of self-worth, and happiness became fused to the values and beliefs of the people around you as opposed to your own. This lack of alignment causes low feelings of self-worth often accompanied by feelings of selfishness, guilt, and shame any time we attempt to put healthy boundaries in place.

Discovering your unique values and strengths, and aligning with them will empower you to honor and take care of your own needs and create a deeper connection of love and security within yourself. Which ultimately leads to an increase in your internal resources like time, energy, and happiness.

Constantly comparing yourself to others:

More prevalent than ever, thanks to social media, the desire to “keep up with the Joneses” may be alive and well within you.

When you are overly focused on what others have and do, especially in the false economy of social media, where people are typically only presenting the brightest and shiniest versions of themselves, you may find yourself constantly feeling like you aren’t good enough.

And this recurring self-doubt may happen in any context in your life, family, relationships, jobs, lifestyle, body image, finances, and so on.

When we use others as a measuring stick for our sense of self-worth we are setting ourselves up for a major fall. And that is because we are all different, we were all brought here with our own unique set of gifts and talents that make us uniquely us and them.

Learning how to love and accept ourselves just as we are is easier when we focus on our individual strengths, sense of purpose, and all of the characteristics that make us unique as individuals.

Trust me, we all have things we wish we could change about ourselves (want to see this in action tune into a reality dating series, and see just how true this is)!

So practice compassion for yourself and others, and recognize that even the seemingly most “perfect” people among us also make mistakes, experience self-doubt, and have challenges that they face in their lives you just don’t have a front-row seat on social media for all of their more “human” experiences.

Reliving your past mistakes:

Have you ever noticed that this often happens when you are trying to fall asleep? As exhausted as you may be, your head touches the pillow, and BAM an instant replay of every past mistake, snafu, error, or blunder you have ever made begins to unfold like a movie behind your closed eyelids.

When we live in the past we often experience disempowering emotions like sadness, helplessness, guilt, and shame. And for what? It’s not like we can travel back in time and get a “redo”. If you are someone who struggles to forgive yourself for past mistakes it may be time to shift your focus from the past to the present by searching for the benefits or meaning you gained from making those mistakes.

When we can see life as something that is happening “for us” and not “to us” we can move on from past challenges and mistakes with more ease and grace. With every mistake comes growth so look for the new values you gained through that painful mistake, what do you know now that you didn’t before about yourself, others, and life?
And then engage in a ritual of forgiveness. I recommend the aboriginal practice of Ho’ponopono to my clients, friends, and family. You can find this as a guided meditation on YouTube and the practitioner will lead you through the powerful steps for the forgiveness of self and others.

Being able to forgive yourself and let go of the cycle of guilt and shame is so important in the journey toward greater self-love and acceptance. Just as you would likely grant forgiveness to others you deserve forgiveness too.

While these are only a few of many reasons why it can be challenging to love ourselves I’m guessing you could see yourself in at least one of the scenarios I have shared. If you have a belief that keeps you from loving yourself please reach out over email and share it with me, I would love to support you in overcoming it.

On that note; whatever behaviors and beliefs may be holding you back, I wanted to share a few more suggestions from my coaching practice that will move you closer to loving and accepting yourself.

  • Practice self-compassion: Self-compassion is the practice of treating ourselves with the same kindness, concern, and understanding that we would show to a friend. Instead of being hard on yourself for your mistakes and flaws, try to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend.
  • Be mindful of your thoughts: Our thoughts can have a powerful impact on how we feel about ourselves. Notice when you have negative thoughts about yourself and try to challenge them. Say “cancel cancel cancel” to yourself and replace those negative beliefs with positive and realistic thoughts instead.
  • Focus on your strengths: We often focus on our weaknesses and negative aspects of ourselves, but it’s just as important to focus on our strengths and positive qualities. Practice Strengths Spotting with yourself and/or with others. If you are doing this alone take a moment to reflect on something really well today. Now write it down (or visualize it) as a story with a beginning, middle, and end. When you are done take note of the strengths you displayed during this experience. Share what you discovered with a friend or loved one. Better yet, do this activity with your loved ones at the dinner table. Have each person share something they did well and then take turns reflecting on what strengths they displayed.
  • Surround yourself with positive people: The people we surround ourselves with can have a big impact on how we feel about ourselves. Surround yourself with people who support, encourage, and accept you for who you are.
  • Practice gratitude: Cultivating a sense of gratitude can help shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right in your life. What we focus on expands and our energy goes with it. When we focus on problems our energy goes down. When we focus on possibilities our energy goes up. Take time each day to reflect on the things you’re grateful for, including yourself.

Making gratitude a daily ritual doesn’t just support our mental and emotional well-being but it also supports us in manifesting our desires. I show my clients how to go deep with their gratitude practice so that they become magnetic in their energy and attract the relationships and experiences that point them in the direction of their dreams and support them along the way.

  • Take time to do things you enjoy and that align with your strengths and values. Doing things that we love to do can be a great way to boost our mood and self-esteem. Set aside time each day to have some FUN, whether it’s reading a book, playing a sport, doing a hobby, or taking a walk in nature. When we engage in activities that activate our strengths we experience a thing called “FLOW” which has been researched and proven to boost our energy and our happiness.
  • If you’re struggling to love and accept yourself, it may be helpful to seek the help of a professional coach or therapist. We can provide you with tools and techniques to help you work through your feelings and improve your self-esteem.

To summarize, loving and accepting ourselves can be challenging, but it’s an important step towards living a fulfilling and happy life. By becoming aware of the beliefs and behaviours that are holding us back and following the suggestions I just shared you will begin to heal your relationship with yourself, and experience increased love and compassion for yourself and others.

💗 Have questions? Please get in touch!

💗 Follow @shelleywcoach for personal growths tips and wellness advice ✨

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💜 Join my Facebook Group if you are ready to embody greater focus, energy, self love and happiness in your life! Link in bio 💫 

Posted in: Blog
About the Author

Shelley

I am a strengths based, solution focused life coach who has been practicing in the counselling/coaching field for more than 20 years. I have created and pioneered the 3-Step “Renew Your Vitality” Coaching System of live workshops, online courses, individual coaching sessions, and accountability groups which has created breakthrough results in the lives of my clients. I am an expert at empowering heart-centered individuals to transform their stress into greater focus, energy and happiness!

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