Burnout tends to hit the high achievers like you and me fast and hard. And because we are so busy achieving we often don’t notice. Instead, we invest heavily in denial that something is wrong so that we don’t have to slow down and take time to address it.
Ah yes, the river of “De Nile”… she’s long, winding and treacherous…
Case in point – When my marriage to the father of my children was breaking down, I went to see a therapist who asked me a very pointed question about a certain aspect of the relationship and I responded with…
“I can’t answer you because I am in denial about that.”
Which, given the blatant irony of my statement, nearly caused her to spew her coffee as she burst into surprised laughter.
But it’s true.
If you are like me, you are driven to perform and succeed and you are wildly passionate about what you do. People like us have a tremendous capacity to block any “noise” that might interfere with our chosen goal and our chosen path to getting there.
And the kicker is, it’s our passion and drive that make us super successful in our work (as well as super lovable and fun everywhere else), yet it’s what also contributes to our own demise, as it can consume every “lil” bit of us!
So we tune out the “noise” and continue on down our twisty, winding, and sometimes raging river of “De Nile”, as we pretend that everything is fine and continue to perform at an impressive speed. We take on more and more responsibility because let’s face it, if we don’t do “IT”, who else will? And we strive for external validation which, when and IF it comes, for some reason still leaves us feeling empty and hungry for more. (Again more on this later).
And all the while pieces of YOU start to go missing… your humour, your energy, your focus, your ability to be fully present, your short term memory, your hobbies, your time with friends, your time with you, and eventually… YOUR HEART…
There… I said it!
Yes.. your heart… because it is so damned draining to care so deeply!
Not to mention that somewhere along the way you stopped loving, protecting and caring for YOURSELF! (More on this down the road).
And because you aren’t paying attention, it’s easy to miss the disappearance of something so vital to your health and happiness. This something called your inner guidance system that makes you uniquely you and exists so that you may love yourself and others.
Needless to say, in my case, other things besides “heart” had gone missing. I had lost my sense of humour, ability to persevere, health, joy for my family, social connections etc etc…
It was my very brave family who realized that in fact, “I” had “gone missing” and started mentioning it to me in an attempt to wake up the part of me that had been “snoozing” or let’s face it… had gone completely “unconscious” while the dirt was being piled on. (This remark will only make sense if you read the first blog charmingly titled “The Overachievers Guide To Burying Yourself”).
They were very attuned to the fact that I was no longer my witty and jovial self, that I was often sad or angry and wildly defensive. Not to mention, I spent so much time in my head (ruminating) that at times they would be speaking to me and I wouldn’t even hear them!
OR…
I would be busy on my phone, still working after work hours, that I was completely oblivious to my own needs or theirs. (They still turned out great, thank goodness!) When we are in the throes of burnout, we are often so blinded to what is going on around us, but most importantly TO us.
As a matter of fact, it was my son who was about 18 at the time that gave me my first “awakening” (brave soul that he is). One winter’s afternoon he came into the living room to find me sitting in “my spot” on the couch, watching television, crochet needle in hand…
Okay – funny side story about crocheting…
(I tell this story with the utmost love and respect for all my fellow yarn loving “hookers” and “needlers” out there. May you all crochet/knit in a healthy balanced way.)
So the story goes that at forty-seven years of age, I took up crocheting.
I did this because I was spending many many hours writhing in pain on the couch and doped up on pain meds and I thought that if I had a hobby it would help me to quiet my overactive mind. And it looked… well… relaxing… and like something I could easily do on the couch and in “my spot”.
So I set about teaching myself how to crochet with help from YouTube.
And this is where my story becomes a cautionary tale.
I am embarrassed to admit it but, I became a bit obsessed with crocheting.
That year at Christmas there were hats, scarves and blankets for everyone!!
(Even the dogs and cats got crocheted stockings and dog beds.)
Yes, this is what happens to an A-type personality on a sick leave… sigh… not pretty!
I even found myself trying to figure out how I could crochet enough pieces to open up a shop on Etsy and quit my job! Yes, I had become a bit delusional. And yes, that’s a lot of dog stockings by the way.
The time came to admit that perhaps I had a problem that none of us were talking about when our Wifi bill arrived. We live in the country, need I say more?
My beloved partner, Tim, hit the roof upon opening the bill, and accused our son TJay of gaming irresponsibly and running the bill up “sky high”!
TJay was of course vehemently denying these accusations while I took all of this in from “my spot” on the couch. I looked upon the two of them, with my crochet hook in one hand and my iPad in the other… when suddenly my beloved son put the pieces together and exclaimed (while throwing his beloved mother under the bus)…
“It was mom and all her damn crocheting videos!”
(Thank goodness there was no evidence of the amount I spent on yarn!)
Anyway back to the original story… so there I was sitting in “my spot” on the couch (a different day, same spot, same couch), peering over my glasses, crocheting yet another blanket, for some poor unsuspecting soul, when TJay came into the room and commented bravely…
“Hey mom! When I came through the door and saw you sitting there on the couch, looking over your glasses at your crocheting, you looked just like a little old lady.”
You can imagine how that felt! It was the proverbial “slap in the face” that I needed to rouse my “hero self” from her slumber who reluctantly opened one eye and began paying closer attention.
You see… I still wasn’t putting the pieces together.
I knew I was miserable but I thought it was the kidney stones, and the job, and the associations, and the committees that were making me so sick. And yes they were contributing factors to my level of stress.
At the end of the day, I still hadn’t realized that I was the one that climbed into the box and sealed it up tight. AND that I was the one still holding the damn shovel!
I was getting powerful messages from my family, friends, body, and even the universe, but I still hadn’t realized that I had “gone missing” from my life.
Since you are here and still reading, I congratulate you on recognizing that you might be in trouble and are looking for support. Recognizing burnout is probably one of the most difficult things to do, and often times it’s too late before we even realize something is wrong.
In case you are wondering if you too have gone missing, here is a checklist;
(Yes, I know… I love checklists too).
This one is from Psychology Today, written by Sherrie Bourg Carter Psy D. for High Octane Women.
It is broken down into the three categories under which high performing women tend to experience burnout and it occurs in this order:
Signs of physical and emotional exhaustion from burnout
1. Chronic fatigue
2. Insomnia
3. Forgetfulness/impaired concentration and attention
4. Physical symptoms – ie; chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, gastrointestinal issues, dizziness, fainting, headaches (and for me, kidney stones, which according to Louise Hay are tiny lumps of undissolved anger – more on this later)
5. Increased illness
6. Change in appetite – (Sherrie says “loss of”, but could also be increased emotional eating, it was for me.)
7. Anxiety
8. Depression
9. Anger
Signs of cynicism and detachment:
10. Loss of enjoyment – not wanting to go to work or hangout with friends, isolating yourself socially, avoiding work and trying to escape early
11. Pessimism
12. Isolation
13. Detachment – removing yourself emotionally and physically from your job and/or personal relationships
Signs of ineffectiveness and hopelessness:
14. Feelings of apathy and hopelessness
15. Increased irritability
16. Lack of productivity and poor performance – despite the long hours you may be working, chronic stress prevents you from being as productive as you once were. This may result in; incomplete projects, avoiding meetings and clients, and an ever growing to-do list that you feel you can’t climb out from under.
Let me finish up our time together by saying; recovery from burnout was a long haul for me.
Burnout recovery involved time off work, numerous medical procedures, and a major surgery. After the surgery I thought that perhaps the worst was behind me since the kidney stones were gone. And in spite of the unmistakable cloak of physical and emotional exhaustion I was still carrying around with me, I tried to be optimistic that I would return to business as usual in my work and my personal life. But it was far from the end… burnout was actually just the beginning…
Want to know what happens next?
Red Blog #3: Rising from the Ashes
Wishing you love, strength, and vitality!
Shelley
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